Internationals
Dec 14

TongueInLoftusCheek's Guide to the International Break

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Let's imagine for a second that the international break is a big, thick jungle. We're talking Marouane Fellaini's pubes thick. If you're reading this before Tuesday 6th, you're in the middle of this jungle: up to your belly button in slimy invertebrates like cockroaches, scarab beetles and Joey Bartons. If you're anything like me, you're probably looking for a way out too. The indecision during this period can be daunting, especially with news of Aguero's ban and the inevitable flood of injuries that are bound to plague your team before long. This isn't a time of rest for FPL managers, quite the opposite, in fact. This is a time for intensive analysis, premeditation and reflection. It can all get a bit much. If you're not careful, the overthinking during international break will swallow you whole, like Sam Allardyce at a buffet, and you'll never find your way out of the jungle. Instead, you'll find yourself staring at your team next Saturday morning with Jordan Pickford triple-captained and 3 Watford midfielders in your starting 11, wondering where it all went wrong when you only score 7 points. In this guide, I'll be talking about 4 aspects that you've probably considered during this break and how to deal with them. I did publish a similar guide last year but, whilst I'd still recommend giving it a read, lots has changed since then. Adam Johnson is a peadophile, Leciester City are champions and Tesco's have finally woken the fuck up and got contactless payment. The world is a different place, and the footballing world even more so. Hopefully, this guide will reflect that. Without further ado.

Wildcards

An international-break wildcard is a more tempting misstress than Nigel Pearson in a Kimono that's slightly too small for him. It's a more alluring prospect than Sean Dyche flossing his undercarriage after a hot shower. But, just like Sean Dyche's gooch, the international-break wildcard needs to be treated with caution. Used poorly, a wildcard can be a hinderance rather than a get-out-fail-free card. Scientific studies have shown that playing the wildcard actually activates the part of your brain that thinks John Terry is a creative footballing genius - the Johnus Terrus Cortex as it's known in the industry. This is a slippery slope for some, and even when playing the wildcard, a good FPL manager must show restraint and reason. The deserved banning of Aguero will, in all likelihood, prompt a surgio of wildcard activations. “I'm going to swap him for Negredo and invest in my midfield” is the casual FPL manager's mantra at the moment. Whilst this isn't a terrible idea in principle, they have forgotten that after 2 measly GW's they're going to want the Argentinian back. When that happens, they're up shit-alley with only Robert Huth and a packet of lube for company. You don't come back from that. My advice is simple. If you haven't used your wildcard yet, save it. Swap Aguero for some less-reliable striker like Lukaku or - and I suggest him with a shudder - Diego fucking Costa, and sit back and watch the 2 points per game roll in. If you've used your free transfer already (in which case, you've forgotten the golden rule of FPL and it's only GW4), then chuck him on the bench for now and do the above next GW. I know that Sanchez and Ozil both did well last week. I know that Mahrez is a waste of space and Redmond just got lucky in GW1. But this is football, and it's early days yet. Before you know it, Bellerin has drowned in a pot of hair gel, Vardy has to spend a few weeks in a cell and Roy Hodgson has murdered Wayne Rooney. That's when to play your wildcard. If you do have to play your Wildcard, remember to look for the good players, not the players that happened to bang one in last week. The Ozils, Manes and De Bruyne's of this world tend to do well when all is said and done.

New Signings

I tend to be wary of new signings. I like to see them play a few games in the new environment they've inherited before I commit. Even Zlatan, who weighs in at 800kg and measures 8 ft 5, had a big question mark hovering above his head as far as I was concerned. I think he'll do well this season, but his performances so far haven't yet filled me with confidence - even despite his 3 goals. He's in my team, but I'm “keeping a close eye” as the pundits like to say. In other words, I'm going to observe how many points he scores each week and take him out if those points aren't enough. The closure of the transfer window opened the FPL floodgates for us managers. Not only do we have to deal with a replacement for Aguero, but now we have to weigh up the 35-or-so new signings on top of all of that. What a monumental pain in the arse. The solution? Give it time. It's a nugget of advice that can be applied across the field as far as FPL is concerned. Give it time. Slimani could score a hattrick in GW4. Wilfried Bony could set Stoke alight - if he remembers what football actually is, of course. It's been that fucking long. Ultimately, it doesn't take a footballing guru to predict that, of all the new signings, one is bound to do well in GW4. Even Michael Owen can call that one, and he doesn't know how to spell his own name. Give it time, folks. If they play well and score some points, consider them then. That's what everyone else will do - which is no bad thing in this game.

Injuries

Any notion that you can pick a “less-injury-prone” FPL squad has about as much substance as one of Martin Keown's observations on MOTD. Of course, there are players that are more subject to injury, but in many instances (I'm looking at you, Serge), these are the players you want in your team. There's another prong to this pitchforked argument - or the Pitchfork of Twats as it shall now be known - the idea that you should be looking at players that don't regularly play international football. “Mkhitaryan is Armenian” said one such twat, wielding his pitchfork like he's in search of Shrek. “So what?” came my reply. “So, he's not going to be playing as many internationals as other players” retorted the twat. The flaw in this reasoning is that, firstly, international football is meant to cultivate and nurture a player's talents, and that secondly, if a player doesn't play internationally, it's usually because he's not good enough. Of course, international football increases the risk of injury or fatigue, but let's not give this one too much thought. If your squad is full of good, in-form players, they are probably going to play during international break. You're just going to have to cross your fingers, toes and unspeakables and pray to the footballing Gods (Chris Kamara and Phil and Gary's younger sister, Tracey Neville) that they don't get injured.

Overthinking

Forget injuries, forget fatigue, forget terrible luck. The only nemesis bigger than the shitty new website layout facing FPL managers today is overthinking. When a season starts like this one has, it's even harder not to hold the microscope over every single bloody player, until you've determined once and for all that he isn't worthy of your motley crew of men. There are a lot of players doing well at the moment. Last season there was a solid template, and, save for a 5th midfielder and a few defenders, that template held strong for an unusual amount of time. This time it's different. The players we expect to perform well are doing so. The expensive bastards that we all hoped would have off-seasons are all in-form. The sheer audacity of it all is unbelievable. There's a host of cheaper alternatives that seem to be finding some consistency too. Don the plastic gloves and force Kyle Walker into a tiny petri-dish, because the overthinkers have got some serious examining to do. The overthinker has told themselves that every time Mane shaves his pubes he scores a brace. The overthinker believes that whenever David Moyes has diarrhea (which is often since he's moved up North), his team will keep a clean-sheet. I don't need this shit. Unlike David Moyes, who almost certainly needs a shit as I type. You don't need this shit either. The key is to establish some fundamental principles and stick by them. Those principles might be general, like “quality players will always outscore in-form players in the end” or “good players don't need good fixtures to score points”. They might be more specific, though, like “Man City will score more than any other team this season” or “Jurgen Klopp always gets the best out of his players”. Establishing these principles and, more importantly, staying true to them, will help to stave off the overthinking. Remember: it's a marathon, not a sprint. Usain Bolt might steal the headlines, but Paula Radcliffe can piss herself mid-race and get away with it. Be like Paula and play the long game and you'll be fine.

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