Dec 14

A Satirical Review Of Fantasy Premier League Gameweek 1

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And so it begins. Two months of analysing and research. Two months of trying to get used to the new website layout. Two months of trying to think of a shite footballing pun worthy of your new squad name. It all boils down to GW1. So prepare your Big Old Tettey's and ask yourself one question: Who Ate All Depay? Here's @tongueinloftuscheek's review of Gameweek 1:

Hull 2 - 1 Leicester City

Hull turned everyone's heads, including all 3 of their fans, with a shock victory over Jamie Vardy and his loyal disciples. Despite Judas Kante's departure and a disappointing pre-season (by “disappointing” I mean they struggled to get results against some of the best teams in the world, which apparently shocked everyone), all seemed well in Leicester. Mahrez wasn't tempted by Arsene's incense, and Vardy decided to stay at the club after concluding that £80,000 a week was just about sufficient to keep his wife sexually interested in him. Hull, meanwhile, have hit the headlines over the summer for the wrong reasons. The newcomers only had 13 players fit for starters, with Snodgrass' 4 year old son filling in at right-back. Their caretaker manager, Mike Phelan, is literally the club's caretaker. Reports claim he was unable to congratulate his players at the final whistle because the men's toilets were clogged. Needless to say, we all thought Hull were doomed. We thought wrong. Mahrez's penalty provided a modest silver-lining, but hopeful Vardy owners despaired as neither he, nor promising new-signing Ahmed Moose, could make a meaningful impact on the game. “I've been a Leicester fan for 3 weeks now and it's the same old shit every time” said FPL manager Graham Twatley, who this week played a front three of Okazaki, Vardy and the Moose. My tip: Whilst Hull got their season off to an idyllic start, FPL managers should remain cautious of making any knee-jerk transfers. Despite a flat performance, Mahrez has probably done enough to stay in your team for now.

Burnley 0 - 1 Swansea

Sean Dyche was forced to concede his shite facial hair may have played a part in Burnley's narrow defeat to a visiting Swansea. The Premier League debutants will have to wait, possibly for another few months, for their first Premier League goal as Swansea toiled to earn 1 of only 2 clean sheets this GW. All eyes were on Andre Grey, who recently made headlines with the launch of his new hair-based novel, 50 Fades of Grey. Needless to say, stingey FPL managers were left disappointed after the forward failed to net against a weak looking Swansea side. Swansea have been unlucky this transfer window. Ashley Williams was stolen during a club-organised coach trip to Liverpool, and Andre Ayew never returned after a tour of the Olympic Stadium. Despite the loss of their talismans, Swansea managed to steal a win after Burnley keeper, Tom Beaten, rolled the ball to QPR reject Leroy Fer in the 82nd minute. Beaten, who had chosen Leroy Fer as a budget midfielder in his FPL squad, was worried about another blank and did what any of us would have done. My tip: Grey remains tempting for his price tag, but the forward has a lot of adapting to do this season. Negredo or Carroll are more experienced alternatives.

Crystal Palace 0 - 1 West Brom

In what may turn out to be one of the most boring games of the season, a salmon gifted West Brom a deserved away victory at Crystal Phallus. The annual Insomniacs Anonymous meet was once again a success, as Crystal Phallus and West Brom slowly lulled the crowd into a deep sleep in a game that presented few clear-cut chances. The trance was eventually broken when a salmon leapt like...well...a salmon, and nodded in a 74th minute winner to break the deadlock. “I have no idea what happened” said Palace manager Alan Pardew. “No literally, I have no idea. I started watching the match but it was too difficult. I was playing Pokemon Go instead. Suddenly I hear the whistle blow and we've lost 1-0”. According to rumours, Tony Pulis is still asleep as I type. My tip: the Salmon has now scored in his last 3 West Brom games. Providing he stays upstream he could be a great budget option.

Everton 1 - 1 Tottenham

Erik Pamela's header grabbed Tottenham a point against an impressive Everton side, as Boss Rarkley picked up 10 points for sending in a cross. Everyone is singing Rarkley's praises after he successfully kicked a ball in the direction of the goal on Saturday. The midfielder, tipped as England's next-big-thing every year since the mid 90's, even chested a ball down at one point in the game. Horse Kane started his season as he starts every season: by chewing on some grass in the opposition's penalty area and watching the ball drift past him for 90 minutes. Pamela scored a fantastic header and proved why FPL pundits have been backing him during the pre-season, but Spurs' usual threats (Deli Counter and Sony Eriksen) were largely absent in this encounter. Hugo Lloris' hamstring couldn't handle the embarrassment of conceding such a shite goal, meaning owners of the most attractive goalkeeper in football will need to find a replacement for the frenchman. Time for that wildcard yet? My tip: despite the loss of Lukaku, Everton looked promising going forward. If he gets pitch-time, Deulofeu could be a real threat this season.

Middlesbrough 1 - 1 Stoke

Middlesborough will take heart from a 1-1 draw against Stoke, in which Colombian popstar Shakira rescued a point for the Harry Potters. Newly promoted Middlesborough showed promise with a convincing display against Premier League pensioners Stoke. Negredo - the budget striker for 13% of FPL teams - justified his selection within 11 minutes of his return to the Premier League. Unfortunately for Middlesborough - named after their penchant for finishing mid-table - the goal was not enough to secure the 3 points. Colombian Popstar Shakira used her famous left foot to devastating effect once again, reminding Middlesborough of the merciless nature of the Premier League. Shakira had this to say at the final whistle: “Lucky that I have strong legs like my mother, to score a curler when I need it.” My tip: Shakira could be a great option. She showed promise in the Euros and seems to be continuing that strong form.

Southampton 1 - 1 Watford

Southampton could only a muster a draw against 10-man Watford in what proved to be a great day for Redmond owners. It was all going so terribly. Vardy had blanked. Moose had blanked. Even the hotly tipped Ulloa had failed to bag a goal. And then came Redmond. His head might remind you of a pubic mound, but he's got an eye for goal and the faith of his manager - surely a bargain for £6m. It cancelled out a 9th minute Capooeh goal and, after Dr. Watson's red card, looked to be the first of a few for Southampton. It wasn't to be. The Saints, who famously have an allergy to their best players and insist on selling them every summer, had to settle for a draw. Watford's Ighalo and Drake Deeney, both popular in pre-season selections, failed to make any real impact, and could well see a sharp drop in ownership before GW2. My tip: Redmond looks to be playing in a forward position, and could really blossom this season like the pubic mound that he is.

Man City 2 - 1 Sunderland

Pepsi Guardiola oversaw a win in his first Premier League match, despite firm resilience from a spirited Sunderland. I mean, I knew he was good, but what other manager can boast a 100% record in the Premier League? Pepsi is an inspiration. According to statistics, every one who isn't a tit captained either Aguero or Ibrahimovic this week. When Aguero scored a penalty in the early stages of this game, Earth's temperature rose by 7 degrees as FPL managers across the globe collectively rubbed their hands together in gleeful anticipation. Man City were all over Sunderland like the rash Mane was giving Southampton last season. “We chose well”, said the smug bastards. Well, they did choose well, but not nearly as well as they might have hoped after the first goal. For the first time in their illustrious history, Sunderland can hold their heads up high. Willam Defoe showed us all why he's still a force to be reckoned with even at the age of 87, and had it not been for a Pubic McHair own goal, this write-up may have looked very different. My tip: obviously Aguero is a must, but Defoe has shown his scoring form wasn't a fluke last season.

Bournemouth 1 - 3 Man Utd

Man Utd started their season in convincing fashion, seeing off a lack-lustre Bournemouth side. Donald Trump: President. Sam Allardyce: A decent job. Man Utd: Goals. A year ago, you would have struggled to find a link between any of these things. Now, they go frighteningly hand-in-hand. What a shit year it's been. Man Utd have goal-scoring threat. What's more, they have a goal-scoring mentality. Ibrahimovic, the new horse on the block, is going to challenge for the Golden Hoof this year, make no mistake. With Paul Dogma joining the ranks and Anthony Martian yet to return to his home planet, things are looking up for the Red Devils. Bournemouth grabbed a consolation through economist and political philosopher Adam Smith, though never looked like stealing a point. After this game, Jose Mourinho holds the record for the longest time Jose Mourinho has gone without abusing a member of the team staff: 1 game. He has signified an intent to extend the record into GW2 but acknowledges the feat is “unlikely”. My tip: Martian looked incredibly dangerous today and managed two assists. Ibra was obviously convincing, though he hasn't done enough yet to justify his selection over Aguero.

Arsenal 3 - 4 Liverpool

Arsenal let go of a 1-0 lead and a dominant first half to lose in a 7 goal thriller against an exciting Liverpool. When photos emerged of Wenger crying whilst listening to The Smith's Please Please Please earlier on Sunday, the signs weren't looking good. Klopp, meanwhile, twerked his way to the technical area, buzzing off the success of the recent Nivea for Men advert in which he featured. The difference in attitudes proved pivotal on the pitch. As the old proverb goes, Walcott githeth and Walcott taketh away - never did those words ring truer than in the 60 seconds between his penalty miss and his cool finish to send the Arses into the lead. It didn't last long, however. 3 foot 5 dwarf, Phillipe Coutinho, proved size really doesn't matter with a fantastic brace. Mane looked energetic and bagged himself a goal and even Adam Llama spat his way onto the scoresheet. Good for him. To be fair, the whole match was like watching the Goal of the Month competition, and regardless of our FPL choices, we managers were forced to take a bow to a fantastically entertaining game. But seriously, fuck Roberto Firmino. My tip: Fuck knows. Get Coutinho, Mane, Walcott, Llama and Clyne. Don't use your wildcard and don't take a points hit. Good luck.

Chelsea 2 - 1 West Ham

A dominant Chelsea prevailed against West Ham with a late goal from prized arsehole, Diego Costa. Apple Payet was left to go cold on the touchline for most of the game, much to the frustration of FPL managers everywhere. “I had even bought along a pot of cream” admitted one sorrowful Apple Payet owner, who had Anthony Martian as a first substitute. Eden Hazard buried a penalty and put on a penetrative display to justify his steep price tag, and Chelsea's devout EDL supporting centre backs, Terry and Cahill, looked relatively rigid. But West Ham, having failed to carve out a shot on goal until the 77th minute, stole a goal from a Payet corner after Simply Red half volleyed into the far corner. It wasn't to be Wham's night, however, as Diego Costa's late strike sealed 3 points for the Blues, and condemned The Irons to a fruitless evening. The same old nonsense. The same old FPL. I've bloody missed it. My tip: Chelsea's full backs looked threatening, and I can see them keeping a few clean sheets this season too.