Dec 14

Fantasy Football: The 7 Step Recovery Program

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[fusion_dropcap boxed="no" boxed_radius="" class="" id="" color=""]T[/fusion_dropcap]he joy of a successful FPL gameweek is quite often beyond superlatives. But the unreasonable misery of a bad GW can transform the most majestic of weekends into a cataclysm of grunts, moderate swearing and self-loathing (not to mention the loathing of others). If you've clicked on this article then you've probably experienced some torrid weeks as a Premier League fantasy football manager, weeks in which you benched your penalty-saving goalkeeper or captained an in-form striker who was substituted on 59 minutes with just one point to his name. If so, we feel your pain, and we're here to help. With so many things liable to go wrong for fantasy football managers, and consequently right for others, some perturbing thoughts can enter one's head following a miserable GW: ‘I bet if I make 13 transfers I'll be top of my mini-league within two weeks'; ‘I hate Dave from Accounting'; “That's it. I'm emigrating to Spain”, etc. While these thoughts aren't practical, they're understandable. We get it. You can't bemoan your side's misfortunes to your family; they'll stare at you as if you've entered the abyss. You can't whine to your friends, after all, they're most likely the enemy. Quite often all you'll have for comfort is insidious self-reflection and regret. This is why I developed the 7-step recovery program for FPL managers*. * This program is not validated by any clinical studies or literature, rather the exhausted mind of an emotionally-troubled FPL manager.

The 7-step recovery program for fantasy football managers (following a bad gameweek)

The 7-step program is a set of guiding principles to help FPL managers switch off from the torment of a sickening Saturday and/or Sunday, enabling a fuller, richer existence not bogged down by the gift that never gives: hindsight. 1: Immediately stop checking others' scores There's often very little solace to be found comparing your abrupt FPL woe to that of your mini-league rivals - the last thing you need following a frustrating afternoon is to find out Dave from Accounting activated his Triple Captain chip and scored 60 points. Instead, refrain from point checking. Throw away your phone, ideally. Of course if you need your phone then just do the first part. 2: Try and remain optimistic Remaining optimistic is a short-term fix to assuage that initial urge to start clay pigeon shooting dinner plates in your back garden. Indoctrinate yourself with clichés: “There's plenty more points to play for,” etc., even if you don't believe them. A placebo state of well-being can help you through the next hour or so. 3: Avoid angry transfers...if you can We've all been there. There's no judgement. If you absolutely have to transfer a player who has just stomped all over your heart, then fill your boots. But fighting this urge is the smarter call. Your mood won't be helped if your new recruit subsequently gets injured in training before the next GW. 4: Ever tried voodoo? Hear me out. We're not talking anything weird � merely the creation of a bargain basement papier-mâché voodoo doll resembling that striker who decimated your defender's clean sheet bonus with two minutes to go, or Dave from Accounting, and then giving it a bit of a kicking. Once you're finished with it (again, no judgement), it's best to throw it away. And tell nobody about it. 5: Blast some truly obnoxious tunes At this stage, your anger will hopefully begin to subside. But there's no point trying to distract yourself with pastimes you find genuinely enjoyable just yet. Not even the dulcet tones of Planet Earth's David Attenborough could lessen angst of a disastrous GW. Instead, try playing some aggressively repetitive music (European trance from the 1990s always works for me) at an obnoxiously loud volume. The sheer monotony of enduring music you detest will numb your brain into a cleansed state where the last few hours begin to blur into a cacophony of drum and/or bass. You're ready for the next step. 6: Take a very long walk Walk for as long as possible until you eventually forget everything that's happened. You will likely end up in Doncaster. This is fine. 7: Make a lavish purchase You've (hopefully) returned home with (hopefully) a clear head, so what now? You can't watch the football; it'll likely trigger some sort of PTSD. But you do need a boost, so treat yourself to a lavish, affordable purchase: fantasy football magazine, a chequered shirt, additional voodoo doll materials etc. This really is win-win. You'll either feel happy having bought something nice, or wracked with regret for spending too much money, negating all of that earlier FPL woe. So there you are. Deploy this 7-step recovery program following each negative FPL gameweek and before you know it you'll be ready for the ups and downs all over again. Or you could just kick Dave from Accounting out of your mini-league. fantasy football tips [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type="1_6" layout="1_6" spacing="" center_content="no" hover_type="none" link="" mer_position="all" padding="" dimension_margin="" animation_type="" animation_direction="left" animation_speed="0.3" animation_offset="" last="no" element_content=""][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]