A Satirical Review Of Fantasy Premier League Gameweek 2
Man Utd 2 – 0 Southampton
Man Utd continued their impressive start to the season with a comfortable win over Southampton on Friday night.
Don’t you just hate this? If I’m going to make a bad decision on a Friday night, I want it to involve a men’s toilet cubicle and a dead rodent. I don’t want it to involve my fucking FPL captaincy choice. Once Ibrahimovic bagged his 2nd on Friday, things weren’t exactly looking rosy for team-Aguero. “26 points” we muttered to ourselves, scanning our leagues on Friday night to see how many scumbags had captained the ex-Ikea employee.
Pogba started this match and looked promising. Probing runs and an authoritarian command of the midfield gave his team an extra edge. £8.5m promising though? The jury is still out. Anthony Martian failed to live up to his GW1 promise, and Rooney was gifted an assist from his Swedish teammate. Defensively, Utd looked like a team pressed through the Jose Mou-ld, perfectly shaped like a naked Sam Allardyce. Southampton, meanwhile, never looked like threatening their opponents. Redmond was unable to add to his obligatory 2-point participation award, and Tadic is still yet to find the form that made him such a great differential last season.
My tip: I hate to say it, but somehow you’re going to have to find a way to own both Aguero and Zlatan. On behalf of all of us, God rest your midfield’s soul.
Stoke 1 – 4 Man City
Man City put on an impressive display away at Stoke to consolidate their win over Sunderland last week.
The bar had been set. Zlatan had showed his hand. It’s large, tattooed and permanently stained with meatball sauce. Over to you, Kun. Three people died in the floods caused by the sweat that poured from the furrowed brows of the 998,000 managers who had the Argentinian captained. Those three people did not die in vain, however, as the referee pointed to the spot after 27 minutes. Aguero added to his tally on 36 minutes, and suddenly the mood completely changed. All of a sudden, people liked FPL again.
Stoke fought back in the 2nd half, ruining everyone’s mood as John Stoned threw away another clean sheet. However, the Harry Potters – with Shakira nursing a pulled vocal-chord – lacked the gumption to mount a serious fight-back. The fate of the match was sealed when Nolito, famous for having only one name, buried two late goals in quick succession.
My tip: if he gets match-time, Nolito could be a great differential this season.
Burnley 2 – 0 Liverpool
Burnley shocked online-betting punters everywhere with a win over Jurgen Plopp’s Liverpoo.
Despite only touching the ball 7 times – 5 of which were for throw-ins – Burnley managed to cage Liverpoo’s attack and claim their first win of the Premier League campaign. Peter Andre Gray played a pivotal role – creating one and scoring the other – to pacify his doubters and claim 10 points in the process.
Liverpoo, meanwhile, looked completely out of ideas. Firmino used contemporary dance to try and induce a goal from thin-air, and Coutinho resorted to attempts from 90 yards out. Thank God I thought the pundits were talking about pubic hair when they told me to bring in the Brazilian. Now I look fantastic and I have 2 transfers in the bank.
Fair play to Burnley, who look like they have the assets to keep their head above water this season.
My tip: Gray is looking more and more like a fantastic budget option upfront. A Burnley defender might free up some funds and deliver the odd clean-sheet here and there too.
Swansea 0 – 2 Hull
Hull’s ridiculous start to the season continued in emphatic form with a fantastic display in Swansea.
“What the fuck is going on?” That’s what Hull’s caretaker and manager Mike Phelan asked after the final whistle blew. Mike had been dealing with a spill in the Liberty Stadium’s cafeteria when people began patting him on the back and congratulating him. Even he couldn’t believe how this motley-crew of a team, comprised of players, children and a house-rabbit, had managed to accrue 6 points from a possible 6 against two stalwarts of the Premier League.
Swansea, who were playing in-front of their new American owners, were left shell-shocked when Shaun Baloney and Disabel Hernandez struck late on to put the game beyond sight for the Welsh side. The Americans are combing the contract in search of a get-out clause as I type.
Swansea look a weak side this season. The creative spark of Ayew and the defensive sturdiness of Williams are conspicuously lacking. If Milfi doesn’t find his momentum soon the Swans could be in deeper shit than the last time the Queen fancied a Meat Feast.
My tip – with the exception of Amat, Swansea are best avoided for now. Whilst Hull have started well, I don’t expect their form to continue against Man Utd in GW3.
Tottenham 1 – 0 Crystal Phallus
Tottenham scraped a victory thanks to home-debutant Victor Vanarama’s late finish against Crystal Phallus.
Deli Counter was a notable absence on Saturday as Tottenham went in search of their first win of the 16/17 season against Crystal Phallus. The youngster, who has a residency in your local Morrisons, was bought on in the 2nd half, but will have 11.1% of FPL managers worried over his place in the starting 11.
Vanarama latched onto the ball after it bounced off Horse Kane’s face to nab the 3 points. Crystal Phallus have now lost 2 games from 2, and will surely be looking to £27m new signing, Catholic Bentekkers, to provide a cutting-edge going forward. The Belgian didn’t feature in Saturday’s match, but seems a tempting FPL prospect at £7.5m.
Tottenham, meanwhile, are more-or-less devoid of tempting attacking prospects at the moment. Horse Kane looked a little more involved today but is yet to prove his worth amongst fierce opposition this season. Pochettino reported Sony Eriksen as a missing person at half-time, before realising he was in fact on the pitch all along. You can now find a picture of the Danish pastry on milk cartons across the nation.
My tip: despite Tottenham’s slow start, their defense are looking as solid as ever. Kyle Walker and Danny Rose have showed good attacking intent too.
Watford 1 – 2 Chelsea
Chelsea came back from behind to steal 3 points against Watford in dramatic fashion on Saturday.
Is there anything worse in the footballing world than a late Diego Costa winner? I’d take financial fraud, doping and even a cheeky paedo over watching this week in, week out. As always, the Spaniard was lucky to be on the pitch by the 87th minute, having killed 7 of Watford’s players and injured 3 more.
After a composed 80 minutes, punctuated by a goal from budget midfielder Capooay – or, that-bloke-that-enables-you-to-afford-Ibraguero as he’s known in some circles – Watford looked well on the way to an impressive win. It wasn’t to be, however, as Antonio Cunte’s inspired substitutions made their mark on the last 10 minutes. It all started when Batshiteye pounced on a Hercules Gomez spill. Clean-up on aisle shite, please. Where’s Mike Phelan when you need him? The equaliser was consolidated when Fabregaseous played a perfect ball through to Costa, who made no mistake in slipping it past the Watford keeper and, in doing so, maintained their 100% record under Cunte this season.
Costa is a liability. Do not get him. Don’t even look at him. Eye contact can make him angry, as can literally anything else.
West Brom 1 – 2 Everton
Everton registered their first win of the season with a spirited performance away at West Brom.
Gareth McAuley is a phenomenon. When the West Brom defender netted after 10 minutes, the collective groan was almost audible from space. 107% of McAuley’s owners had benched him this week in favour of John Stones, and had to watch as West Brom’s top goal-scorer bagged himself a guaranteed 6 points with 80 minutes still left on the clock.
Double-digits weren’t to be, however, as Everton struck back: first through We Need to Talk About Kevin Mirallas and then through Barry Gareth, who scored his first goal since coming off the bench in an Under-5’s friendly in 1992. Grime superstar Lukaku made an appearance in the 2nd half – his physicality proving vital in turning the match around.
My tip: Everton look good under Ronald McDonald. Barkley for £7.5 is surely going to yield decent returns.
Leicester 0 – 0 Arsenal
Leicester and Arsenal battled it out in a drab affair that saw both teams disappointed with a goalless draw.
These sides had a point to prove this fixture, having slumped to disappointing defeats in their first respective fixtures. In a match where the most impressive thing was, by far, the patterned design of the turf, neither team succeeded in turning their poor starts around. “I…I’m just really scared of the final third” said a trembling Arsenal player who didn’t want to be named.
Meanwhile, Jesus Vardy, whose suspiciously decent summer tan wasn’t the only thing off-colour on Saturday evening, admitted that he’s “still worn out from Shagalouf”.
It was a good evening for Bellerina owners though. The twinkle-toed defender somehow picked up 3 bonus points, despite conceding what should have been a stonewall penalty in the dying embers of the game. This only supports the popular conspiracy theory that bonus points are, in fact, pulled out of the 4th official’s arse at the end of each match, like a shitty lottery.
Luckily for Bellerina there was no penalty, and the match finished goalless, eventless and fruitless for both teams concerned.
My tip: Mahrez and Vardy could still find their form, but with so many great alternatives, I don’t think they deserve more than another week.
Sunderland 1 – 2 Middlesbrough
Sunderland looked a troubled side as they crumbled to a 2nd defeat in as many games to newly promoted Middlesbrough.
Blunderland struggled to contain Middlesbrough’s strike force of Negredo and Stuani as the pair grabbed 2 assists and 2 goals between them to keep Middlesbrough’s hopes of a respectable league finish well and truly alive.
The Black Cats – so called because they’re such unlucky bastards – look like a relegation battle is imminent and we’re only 2 matches in. David Moyes, destroyer of teams and dreams, has already acknowledged that another great escape could be inevitable. “We’ve started digging a tunnel underneath the Stadium of Light already” said Moyes in a post-match press conference. “That way, if we need to escape a relegation battle, we can just use that.”
PvA Glue’s strike in the 2nd half wasn’t enough to shake Middlesbrough, who have given themselves every chance at a comfortable league finish this season with a solid start to life back in the top flight.
My tip: if Middlesbrough continue this form, their team is a goldmine of affordable, quality players.
West Ham 1 – 0 Bournemouth
A depleted West Ham side edged 10-man Bournemouth in another dull contest in the Iron’s new stadium on Sunday afternoon.
I say West Ham, but this wasn’t the West Ham we’ve come to know and love. This was Wham without George Michael. This was just Ham. And not the cured, honey roasted stuff either. This was 20 slices of tesco value horse-meat.
No Apple Payet, no Christmas Carroll, no Feghouli. Despite the absence of key players, West Ham overcame a spineless Bournemouth to Christen their new ground with a win. It was made easier for them when Bournemouth’s Harry Farter received a 2nd yellow in the 77th minute – his dismissal surely the death knell for his team when Antonio Banderas headed in just 8 minutes later. His winner sent the home crowd into raptures, though you wouldn’t have known because the new stadium feeds off joy and applause. The atmosphere was more sombre than Sam Allardyce at a salad bar.
My tip: keep an eye on Payet’s return, but don’t bank on him finding his form immediately.
And there it was. Another GW over, another weekend of disappointment, frustration and, of course, Diego Costa being a cunt. Until next time, adios.