A Musical Review Of Fantasy Premier League Gameweek 9

Given the relatively dull proceedings of GW9, I thought I’d spice things up by presenting the summary and tips in musical form. Be sure to sing along

Bournemouth 0 – 0 Tottenham

The Son of Silence, performed by Tongueinloftuscheek, with a supporting choir of 50 disappointed Son owners. [Original]

Hello Tottenham my old friend,
Their decent run just never ends,
Though Charlie Daniels’ effort hit the bar,
And Lamela should have got a red card.
And the succession of underwhelming yet defeatless games,
Still remains.
Despite the Son of Silence.
Last week Bournemouth destroyed Hull,
And Tottenham’s match was pretty dull,
It seems my transfers have been fairly wank,
Because my Son has drawn another blank,
He only scored 3 points and it’s the second time in a row,
He’s got to go.
‘Cos he’s the Son of Silence.

Arsenal 0 – 0 Middlesbrough

With or Without Giroud, performed by Gary Neville during Sky’s post-match analysis. [Original]

See the Gunners keep the ball,
Middlesbrough more shots on goal,
And they squander chances.
Another waste of my captain,
Possession isn’t everything,
When you waste, your chances.
With or without Giroud,
With or without Giroud.
Through the storm a goalless draw,
They gave it all but still a bore,
And they waste, more chances
With or without Giroud,
With or without Giroud.
They can’t score,
With or without Giroud.
And you give the ball away.
And you give the ball away.
And you give, and you give,
And you give the ball away.

Burnley 2 – 1 Everton

Take a Chance on Mee, performed by Ben Mee’s mother, Mrs Mee. [Original]

For some piece of mind, and just 4.5,
He’s scored 23,
Take a chance on Mee.
If you need to let Shaw go and to free up funds,
He’s a cheap alternative with a decent run.
If you’re leaking goals, and you don’t know what to do,
Think about Burnley,
Take a chance on Mee.
At less than 1% he’s a decent catch,
And Sean Dyche likes to play him every match.
Take a chance on Mee,
(that’s all I’ll ask of your money)
Take a chance on Mee.
Mee can score from corners, Mee can send in crosses, as long as he’s in good space,
Mee can have a good time, keep a sturdy back line, take a ball to the face.
Cause you know you’ve got,
Transfers that you want to do,
Finally get rid of Giroud it’s tactics.
But you’ll need lots of funds,
Is this game even fun,
I just don’t know,
Why I play it so.
(and repeat).

Hull 0 – 2 Stoke

Can’t Back Mike Phelan, performed by Assem Allam, Hull City Chairman. [Original]

I can’t back Mike Phelan any longer,
And yet I’m still afraid to let him go.
We started out in dreamland and grew stronger,
But now we’re getting beat by teams like Stoke.
I tell myself that I made the right decision,
I thought he’d be the best man for the job,
But Phelan doesn’t share my dreams or vision,
He’s better at cleaning toilets,
He makes everything so clean.
And even as I wonder,
How we got really shite,
Losing 6-1 to Bournemouth,
On a cold October’s night,
Why did I make his contract so watertight?
And I can’t back Mike Phelan anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I let him through the door,
It’s time to let the tubby bastard leave,
And throw away the keys forever.
Cos I can’t back Mike Phelan anymore.
He’s like a whale who’s washed up on the shore,
And if I have to crawl upon the floor, or sell Jake Livermore,
Baby I can’t back Mike Phelan anymore.

Leicester 3 – 1 Crystal Palace

We Were the Champions, performed by the Leicester City Squad, with a guitar solo from Jamie Vardy. [Original]

We’ve got Vardy,
Is that not enough?
He went to a party,
4 girls up the duff.
And bad mistakes,
He’s made a few,
Including that time he took too many pills,
And passed out in the loos.
We were the champions, my friends,
And now Jamie Vardy’s on the bench.
We were the champions, We were the champions,
Now we are average, but once we were champions.
Of the world.

Swansea 0 – 0 Watford

Yellow (An Ode to Capoue), performed by an emotional Tongueinloftuscheek [Original]

Look at the stats,
Look at the stats for you,
And all those goals were just flukes,
You got your first Yellow
I jumped on board,
Paid 5.1 for you.
But all you did was score 2.
-1 for a yellow.
So now all I can say,
On the fate of Capoue,
Is that he wears Yellow.
Assists, oh your assists and goals,
Turned into something so woeful,
Do you know, you know I loved you so much.
You know I loved you so much.

West Ham 1 – 0 Sunderland

99 Problems (and Defoe is one), performed by the ridiculously high 13.5% of FPL managers who own him. [Original]

If you’re having striker problems I can relate to you son,
I got 99 problems and Defoe is 1, points hit.
I got Charlie Austin and Kun Aguero,
Went for a gamble and bought in Defoe,
Tipsters say I should have gone for Diego,
But I’m on a budget, stupid, it’s Jermaine or Negredo.
Last season he scored an impressive number of goals,
So I thought “he’s probably due another decent haul”
I’m like “fuck Costa, he acts like a fucking arsehole,
If I don’t like the Spaniard there are other value forwards.”
So I decided to plump for Jermaine Defoe,
I took a small points hit, but I don’t give a shit so,
Defenders started to mark his black ass,
Severely limiting his point-scoring potential, fuckers.
I don’t know what you take me as,
Or understand the intelligence that Loftus has,
I lack the riches and I’m fucking glum,
I got 99 problems and Defoe is one. Points hit.
99 problems and Defoe is one.
If you’re having striker problems I can relate to you son,
I got 99 problems and Defoe is one.

Liverpool 2 – 1 West Brom

Nathaniel Clyne, performed by Tongueinloftuscheek [Original]

Where he began, it was at Crystal Palace,
A decent cross, good pace and strong.
I transferred him in,
Swapped him for Ryan Shawcross,
How did I get it so damn wrong?
Can, Emre Can. Reaching out,
Touching Mee, touching Giroud,
Ohhh, Nathaniel Clyne.
Clean sheets never come near you.
Ohhh, I feel inclined,
To swap you for Christian Fuchs.

Man City 1 – 1 Southampton

The A-Team (A tribute to John Stones), performed by Michael Owen. [Original]

Huge fee, big wage,
£49m at his age?
Self-assured, unphased.
Pure skill, sheer class,
A modern maestro on grass,
Poor touch. Back pass.
And they say
He’s in the class A-Team,
The centre-back of our dreams,
Been that way since thirteen but lately,
His form seems, slowly sinking,
Wasting possession like he’s trying,
And fans scream,
“He really should have been free for us”
Cause he’s just an underrated footballer,
Same league as Paul Pogba,
He don’t want to keep a clean sheet, tonight.
And what a waste of money John Stones has been,
Sell him to another team,
Scored a goal but ruled offside,
Wave John Stones goodbye.

Chelsea 4 – 0 Man Utd

A Chelsea That I Used To Know, performed by Jose Mourinho. [Original]

Now and then I think of when I was at Chelsea,
Like when I said I felt so happy I could die.
Told myself I’d never have to go,
But then I met Eva Carneiro,
I was doing pretty badly there anyway.
Now I’m at United and I’ve made some bold decisions.
Like keeping Rooney on the bench, always the bench.
But when they tell me that it’s not that hard,
I know they haven’t met Jesse Lingard,
And Smalling is about as useful as a scarecrow.
But you didn’t have to mug me off,
Pedro, Cahill, Hazard and even N’Golo Kante,
And we don’t even need this win,
We’ll steal a point from Burnley and finish in 8th.
No you didn’t have to score 4 goals,
After 3-0 it was clear that the game was over,
I even introduced Rojo,
Now you’re just a Chelsea that I used to know.

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1 Comment
  1. This is genius!!

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